Sunday, June 8, 2008

Halloween Special (10/31/07)

Current mood: Festive

I keep getting the phrase PUMPKIN GUTS, PUMPKINS GUT, PUMPKIN GUTS stuck running around my head. I think it has something to do with seeing what can only be described as a pumpkin graveyard--think of cadillac graveyard out west in arizona or wherever it is except with squash--in Central Park as I was talking down a set of stairs. It's not as bad as the time I got Penguin Dust, Penguin Dust stuck in my head (MAJOR points if you know the poem THAT is from), but pretty close.

Anyway, I was in union square this halloweenie in nyc turned spooksville, and i wanted to share it with all of you. Last halloween i was on court street, in brooklyn--a nice, old-fashioned, cobblestoneish still roughly eyetalian neighborhood. there we lots of kids, lots of babies dressed up lambie lambs, or squashies squash (no shit--there was a toddler butternut in one stroller), or beari cubs, or cocky cock roosters. You get the idea. Not so with union square, which has a dog run but is otherwise an adult human parade flanked by blistering taxicab traffic, smelly homeless people, and stacks of trash. And a market of farme's in the middle!

Now, first things first when costume hunting here: you hav eto figure out who's dressed up and who's not. I didn't realize how much makeup otherwise normal women wear until trying to filter out who from boo.

Second thing second: weed out all the simplified lazy man's costumes. You know what i'm talking about: half-hearted last minute strapped on like a dildo fairy wings, lil devil horns, a frigging dirty pipe cleaner fashioned into a halo (this guy may have just been crazy), anonymous animal ears, "kitty" ears and maybe a limp tail. Toss all that with the stacks of trash. None of you get any love for me. Well, no, not true: there was one tall asian chick all plugged in and hip except for this absolutely massive pink fro wig. She gets props. But the rest of you are just accessorizing, far as i'm concerned.

Most of the full on uniforms should not be shared here, as they were adorned by people whose bodies could not support them. Too many saggy women in little ho beep gear, if you know what i mean. Not that there were many, just that it only takes a few for it to be a few too many. And many of the others i can't remember eight hours or whatever later. But here are my votes for the two best, seen when i first entered the square and then when i was leaving it.

Costume number one: i'm crossing broadway and there's what appears to be a shrink wrapped lady being eaten by a foam jellyfish. Not so! Upon closer inspection, it is revealed she is wearing an aquamarine (aka blue but with water connotations) dress, some crazy ass clogs, knees socks with pipes on them, with the whole torso shebang wrapped in plastic shower curtain (think it had multi-colored angelfish on it, but i'm not 100 percent on that, i'm not libel lawyer sure on that). Then, what i thought was a foam head eating jellyfish did turn out to be foam, but was actually a big headbandy type thing that took over the top of her head and resembled streaming water coming out of a fixture. ABout halfway through the cauliflower stand it hit me, "oh yeah! She's a showerhead!"

And then there was the savior. No, not lord baby jesus. This is union square, not court street--no mangers here. I'm talking full grown, 33 years old, crucified on the cross on calvary MAN CHRIST. Just this dude, replete in a dingy saggy diaper looking thing, a wrap for the privates, just like you see on a crucifix, and nothing else but a roped on cardboard cross (it was comically little--this guy was not bearing it), a bunch of smeared on red paint blood, and a crown of thorns on his curly brown head. For the record: Jesus is a whiteboy, is skinny as crap, doesn't have much chest hair, and wears new balance sneakers.

Time to go home, in the underground, where there is no time, space, or holiday. Happy halloween everyone!

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